What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
