Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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