Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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