RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
