Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
