He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
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