oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
