I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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