I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
