I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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