if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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