I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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