I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
