wrigley field is MILF paradise
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
