why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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