I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
