He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
