i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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