You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
