Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
