Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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