i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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