and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
