The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
