can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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