The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
