I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
