Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
