Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
