I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
