woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
