I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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