i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
