Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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