take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
