You're my little dorito
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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