I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
