I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
