I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
