smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
