I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
