'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
