I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
