I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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