I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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