Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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