I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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