Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
