He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
