so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
