I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
