I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
