and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
